Consumed by saturdayxiii
Jul 13, 2021 • 3 min read • #personal #update #mental health #health #thoughts


I just took my first dose of the anti depression/anxiety medication Escitalopram (Es-sye-TAL-oh-pram, as the pamphlet says). I’m pretty sure the doctor prescribed something else… starting with a “c” I think… but this is the generic version of that.

Anyway, this is my first forray into medication deliberately for my mental health. I’ve talked before about having a big breakdown, nearly 10 years ago now, but upon looking at the definition of a nervours/mental breakdown, I’d say I’ve actually experienced them once or twice a year for the last 10+ years. I’ve been managing by having a generous sleep schedule, and taking generic multivitamins plus extra vitamin D. Sometimes 5HTP as well, but I find it only works for the first dose after a break. I’ve recently finished off a bottle but my anxiety has been extra high for a long time.

I think it was about 4 years ago I properly came to terms that I wasn’t suicidal anymore, and the vitamins help my energy levels which allows me to do more hobbies which helps my depression, but I’ve never gotten a handle on my actual anxiety issues. I can’t even pinpoint a reason for them. I get cold sores almost anytime I take a vacation with family, even when I lived with family and we were just going out of town to the cabin. I procrastinate against leaving my house, not because I have a fear of the outside or anything, but like, I just don’t like transitioning, even to a new location. Going to work, or to a friend’s house, I get knots in my stomach. That’s kind of my default anxiety tell: butterfly’s in the stomach. I’ve been low-level nautious for a good 3 weeks now, starting to get regular headaches, like I’m clenching my jaws too much. I’d say that’s a 6 out of 10 on the anxiety scale. Sick with a good chance of getting worse. My baseline these days is 4 out of 10. Uncomfortable and not knowing which way it’ll go. When I think I’m going to have a panic attack, I’d put my anxiety at a 9 out of 10. I hit that every wednesday usually. Wednesday is the first day of the work week for me, and we open with a staff meeting to review the week and make changes. I like to blame work for my anxiety. “If only I had more freetime.” Covid has actually been great for my mental health. I’m aware of the privledge in that statement. But I actually don’t work that much. Officially only like 25 hours a week. I do do pro-bono homework, but it’s optional and I can stop when I want, I swear. I decided a couple years ago that if I felt any other major depressive episodes coming on, I’d seek chemical help. And now with the new job it’s become apparent that I can’t operate like a normal human being, so I’m seeking help.

I think it’s been long enough since I took the first dose that I can record my reactions. I took it while I was making breakfast and I didn’t feel like I needed to take food with it, though a while after I was done my meal I did start to feel nautious, but having a drink seemso to have fixed that. I feel relaxed, but that’s because the pill has apparently made me tired. I’m surprised I’m maintaining focus on this post. I don’t feel like sleeping, but I don’t feel like moving either. A very druggy experience. I can’t tell if i’m properly de-anxious-ized, or just distracted. Feels alright, but I’ll have to take these in the evening rather than mornings. Now that I’ve acknowledged it, I’m definitley too tire dot come up with a smooth conclusion. So I guess I’ll report back in 3-4 weeks with how it’s going.

Post by: saturdayxiii